If you know me at all you know that I don’t exactly have the patience of Mother Theresa and that there are a few things in the world that will drive me absolutely up the wall. As in, totally nanners.

Here are some of them:

• Leaving the cap off the Coke bottle
• Driving like a maniac through parking lots
• The Dave Matthews Band
• Tofu
• Bill O’Reilly
• Not flushing
• The theme song to “Married With Children”

But today… today I have withstood something so terrible…

I could liken it to doing figure-8s and donuts in a crowded parking lot for hours while being forced to listen to Bill O’Reilly guest rap on the Dave Matthews Band tribute techno remix. All the while, my overpriced 20-oz. beverage is in my cup holder with no cap.

Get where I’m coming from?

(more…)

Attention everyone.

I now have Mega-Tron Super Robo-Photographer 2-in-1 Bazooka Tank Knees.

Don’t mess with me.

..

My knees, they are delicate flowers. I’ve been borrowing knee pads, but time was overdue to purchase some of my very own. I didn’t plan on spending quite what I did, and I had another lovely pair selected, but then I heard a voice, and I looked, and in a glowing halo of light, above my head and slightly to the left, were these kneepads. And I saw them, and I knew that they must be mine.

Sporting events? Totally covered. Shooting artsy-farsty photos in a sexy abandoned warehouse made entirely of concrete and sharp things? No worries, mate. Need to repair the 20-year-old linoleum that your landlord won’t replace? No problem.

And from now on, if and when those mutant cockroaches zoom across the floor, no longer will I resort to chucking Name Brand Flip Flops from feet away - which had a mixed result track record - I’ll just strap on my knee pads with my quick-locking thingamajigger, and I will knee stomp them to death in one fell…stomp.

And then I’ll use my rusted, bloody machete to pick bits o’ mutant roachbug from the crevices in the hard kneepad caps.

And then I’ll have a bowl of nails and a mug of C-41 fixer for breakfast and mosey on my way to work.

Yehaw.